ITS* Getting Old...

*It’s The Shits

Welcome to my new series “ITS Getting Old”. Please pardon the pun. You will know what I am talking about soon enough. 

Since my first year of blogging focussed mainly on our adventures with autism I have decided to branch out a bit and enlighten you with another aspect of “our” life…aging (not so gracefully). After all everything that happens in our house is a family affair and as I have gotten more “mature” I am all about sharing my knowledge and experiences for those who have not yet gotten to my stage in life. You’re welcome. 

Now I have heard some not so welcome words coming from doctors in the past but the two words I dreaded hearing the most...stool sample. No wait! Give me a minute to explain. Trust me...you're over the worst.  

The test is called the Hema-Screen™ II Test Card and I had to do this this past week. Just so you know G was mortified that I would even think to blog about this. Oh well. 

I was lucky and got to do the 3 day test. It comes with handy-dandy "applicator sticks" which look similar to coffee stir sticks. I will never, ever use a stir stick at Starbuck's again. Sorry about that.

A total of 17 instructions on 2 pages. Now I am not going to elaborate on ALL the instructions…just a few that had me shaking my head and thinking that the prep for a colonoscopy was a breeze in comparison.

Instruction number 5:  "Use a clean, dry, disposable container to collect the stool. Collect sample before it contacts the toilet bowl water. Let stool fall into collection container."

Really.  First, what exactly is a “disposable container” one would use to collect said stool?  Second, where would one find such a container? I don’t know about you but I’m certainly not about to go and ask a 16 year old clerk at the local drugstore. I can hear it now “Customer Service to front desk for assistance. Customer requires location of disposable stool containers.” Uh thanks. I think I will figure something out on my own.

Instruction number 8:  "Place the test card in the foil envelope and store at room temperature until the next day."

Glad they pointed out “room temperature” just in case, you know, I considered putting the test card IN the refrigerator next to MY FOOD!

And my favourite…

Instruction on the Envelope:  Do not mail specimens in this envelope.

The key word here being “mail”. Seriously?  Who would…  Really?  That is just plain gross.

Next the ummmm gathering of the required samples. On second thought...this may be a good place to stop. If you are interested in further steps, feel free to leave a comment below and I will publish the instructions in a follow-up post...or not?!? 

ITS* getting old my friends!  DI

*It’s The Shits