Menopausal mom to 2 young adult sons (one with ASD, ADHD, tic/seizure disorders and the other with attitude).

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Parenting Fail...

“I was very sorry for you yesterday.” were the first words Riley said to me this morning. (Insert knife into heart, turn and repeat.)  

Last night for the first time in a long time we had one of those moments. A moment that happens in Riley World that can come out of nowhere when you least expect it. Yes there is always a reason although not always clear at the time. Hindsight is 20/20 especially in Riley World.

For the past 3-4 days R’s mouth has been in sad shape. Again. :(  What starts out as canker sores turns into full blown open sores on his lips which he can not leave alone resulting in lips so swollen he looks like a case of botox gone bad. Very, VERY bad.

When his mouth is bad he is Miserable (with a capital M and in bold). I understand. I get cankers too. I am miserable when I get cankers and they are minuscule compared to R’s. Yet like many things it is easy to forget the feeling when it is not happening to you personally.

I try to be a little more accommodating when he is not feeling well in order to try and keep the peace. Of all days he had a dentist’s appointment yesterday. That was a no brainer. Reschedule the appointment. Riley was more than happy to remove the dentist from his visual schedule. One point for me. He got to stay home all day and do his own thing. Two more points for me. I made sure to make him his favourite meal (of the three) for dinner. Yup…another point for me. I placed no expectations on him. Until I did.

I called him downstairs for some Tylenol just before he went to bed. He came down grumbling. I suggested he not be so cranky. Yes I have been at this for 15 years now. Yes I apparently will never learn.

He got angry, started yelling (insert his favourite swear words here) and got very agitated. After numerous attempts to calm him down, I, in my infinite wisdom, yelled back. Just so you know I am not totally cuckoo for coco-pops…this shock value response has worked in the past. You know where I am going with this right???  

We managed to regroup and continued on with our evening. Or so I thought. About 30 minutes later R came downstairs and laid face down on the hallway floor not moving or saying anything. Unusual?  Somewhat. Out of the ordinary??  Ummm…okay…a little.

To say that Riley was distraught would be putting it mildly. It has been a long time since he has let me hold him. It has been an even longer time since he has wanted to lie down with me and just “be”. No talking. Just silence with the occasional whimpering (insert knife into heart again here). In the dark. Reassurance for him. A reminder for me. Riley’s emotions and feelings are as in tune as anybody else’s. His autism only affects how he is able to express himself.  

Image from MorgueFile
I wonder how many more times today I will hear “You were angry with me yesterday. I was at a 5.   Yes I deserve it. *sigh*  Yes I will probably feel guilty for the rest of the day.

Now if you’ll excuse me I am off to look for my noise-cancelling headphones.  :)

12 comments:

  1. Oh, the poor guy. Those sores sound miserable.
    So glad kids are resilient and recover from our bad parenting moments.

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    1. Canker sores ARE horrible and unfortunately run in my side of the family. :(

      I'm going to go with your "resilient and recovery" theory. Just wish I didn't have to hear about it every time he sees me. Haha!

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  2. Better guilty than wounded Di. I was reading along hoping that he didn't pop you! It has only happened to me once, but like you, with the best intentions, I thought that taking a position of authority would settle the situation down. I got a head butt and nearly passed out. Not much good for anyone when I'm unconscious! Luckily, R is a bit like a puppy - persistent but forgiving ;)

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    1. You're absolutely right Maggie!!

      R's more of a "leaner-in-er" or wall banger although last night he was close to waging battle. ;)


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  3. OH NOOO!!! I feel for you both. We can't show ANY emotion here when T's angry. Most times, its just best not to say ANYTHING. Silence. Tom had a moment similar with Tommy Monday. He wanted Tommy on the treadmill. T say's no. Hubs get's irritated, and next thing you know they're cussing each other out. He's still throwing it into hub's face. "daddy said tommy is bullshit". *smh*

    We're all allowed to.. as I tell hubs.. lose our shit. It could have been so much worse. So sorry you had to go through those emotions. I hate those. I'm getting the 'no affection' a LOT lately. Not even a touch on the shoulder. :(

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    1. EXACTLY....R is super sensitive when it comes to "tone" of voice or what he perceives to be tone. I did have to chuckle with "tommy is bullshit" because I know exactly how that came about. :)

      These are the times that I miss being able to just cuddle with him to make him feel better. :(

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    2. You want to hear something terrible? Tommy goes through these cycles. He will search out sad videos on youtube and make himself cry. It's so heartbreaking. He get's so so SAD. But, he'll come to me and pathetically say "i so so saaad" and THEN.. I get the biggest most giant hug. He's already like a bear. He'll almost want me to HOLD him lol It can last anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour. It's horrible. I know it's just part of his cycle/mania. It's so awesome though. Not that i WANT him to be sad.. when he is, its just the most incredible moment.

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    3. I hear ya. I remember when R was younger and it would happen more often and I wanted to be empathetic and everything but sometimes I would be thinking "Are we done yet??? I need to....." Haahaa!

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  4. It's like reading about my life! We've had so many situations like this in the past few years I feel like I was there while reading about yours. Hope the sores heal soon. With Nigel it's scabs he won't leave alone, and he had an alarming case of poison oak last year...

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Tanya! Right?? Glad you feel the similarities too. So nice to hook up with people in the same "world". :D

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  5. First, that beagle is so cute! Second, you deserve an awesome girls weekend. Third, Riley seems to be finding his way, which is awesome. You need a weekend away with the girls (oh did I say that already?)

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    1. Why yes...YES I do! Did you say what already?!? ;) Great idea Stacie!!!

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