Menopausal mom to 2 young adult sons (one with ASD, ADHD, tic/seizure disorders and the other with attitude).

Friday, 17 May 2013

A Woman's Week at the Gym...

Since this past Wednesday I have been working at a job out of the house. I know! For the next 2 weeks. Full time. Blogging, Twitter and FB time has and will be significantly reduced. You are disappointed I know but these things happen. You will be OK. 

During this brief work stint I will do my best to keep you informed on any earth-shaking news in Riley World or else just pass along humorous and trivial information. So as not to disappoint let's get started with the latter.   

Although I have never had the opportunity to have a session with a personal trainer I somehow think this is how it would turn out for me too. 


Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Jsayers 184
Image from Wikimedia Commons


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!




TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It's a whole new life for me.




WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other crap too.




THURSDAY:

Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.




FRIDAY:

I hate Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?




SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.




SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!



Hope you enjoyed my first #FridayFunny courtesy of our Fairy Godmother!   

Have a great weekend everyone!!!



6 comments:

  1. So funny. I held it in until I got to the "why couldn't have been the drama teacher" bit. Then I had to actually laugh out loud.

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    1. I made it as far as Thursday and "butt hole" before I lost it. :D

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  2. I am so glad I read this before I left the house lol Holy Jebus!!! OMG I wish I could have witnessed this hahahaa!!! It's the thought that counts right??? I sit here daily thinking about working out. I think.. you have to be mentally prepared for it. I'm perfecting my mentality lol

    :D

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    1. "Perfecting mentality"...I think I'm going to have to frame that one! Haahaa!

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  3. This is hilarious! I'm not sure I will be okay while you're gone, but good luck with the new job :)

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    1. It's about a twice a year "gig" that I've been at for almost 5 years now. It works for me...sorta. ;P

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